What does a clam do on his birthday? My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. What do you call a lazy bull? What kind of birthday does the Snow Queen like? First, Edward was a vampire. Africa I drove by a store with a trampoline sale. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He walks up and asks "Hey, aren't you Billy Gibbons? What does a spy do when he gets cold? Making his way inside, he is shocked to see Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top Fame standing behind the counter, serving tea. Take a look at 25 interesting facts about burgers that you didnt know. Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners They sent material. Anti-jokes guaranteed to make you chuckle Anti-jokes are in a league of their own when it comes to humor. -Groucho Marx; I was going to tell a carpentry joke, but I couldn't find any of that woodwork. Pandemic He goes back to bed. A pub landlord is struggling with the cost of living crisis. Bellhop. At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Sometimes, however, the thought of cooking on a grill can be intimidating especially when youre hungry and just want to eat! Super Smash Bros Jokes. 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat? Why don't trees use the train? Short jokes, bad jokes, and even corny jokes play on words, puns, one-liners, and situations to be funny. So the Buddhist man jumps first. ' Tim Vine, My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. Slippers. He heads on down to see a long line of women outside, all waiting to get inside. He got arrested for breaking a nectarine. A reporter hears about a new cafe that is a smash hit He heads on down to see a long line of women outside, all waiting to get inside. You want a piece of me? The second bird wakes up late everyday and cant find anything to eat. So I stopped, drank the whole bottle and carried on my way. Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year. Best Corny Jokes of All Time Good Housekeeping What did the horse say after it tripped? Workplace. The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die? They fast. 3. Happy Birthday Jokes How come you didn't get me a birthday present? What do elves learn in school? Especially if youve got hay fever. Milton Jones. Glass and bags go everywhere. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. Scan this QR code to download the app now. [deleted] . This is my step ladder. Sharri82 5 yr. ago. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. . When he reaches the ground, he lands safely. Between you and me, something smells. Healthy Environment A receding hare line. Here are some more knock-knock jokes everyone will appreciate. What do you call it when Batman skips church? 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These what do you call jokes are funny on purpose, though. Lack of concentration. Last night an ant ran across my floor. That doesnt sound so bad. Whats the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Hes a little shellfish. Why do bees have sticky hair? Let me hear 'em. "I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I am over 18. Sign up for Scary Mommy's daily newsletter for more stories from the trenches. Every play has a cast. A young salesman, after just two days at the job, walks into the sales manager's office, who has had over 25 years of selling experience, starting from the bottom and . How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles. How do you stop a bull from charging? Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. Peter Kay. Check out these physics jokes thatll make you wish you paid more attention in science class. Asked Freddie. I said to him "I've had a smashed chick pee on my face before it worked wonders can't see why it wouldn't here", The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, 'Are you seriously hurt?'. Mistle-toes. Neptunes. "Luters, I expect. He was over it. Two chemists walk into a bar. Travel and Backpacker Why didnt the vampire attack Taylor Swift? Just received a card full of rice. I was involved in very organised crime. Milton Jones, I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper dicing with death. Tim Vine. How do vampires start letters? Australia 101 Best Corny Jokes for Kids and Everyone Else, Too Make your family and friends laugh with these cheesy punchlines. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. So we stopped playing chess. Matt Kirshen. I hear in New York City its hailing taxis!. Two guys were sitting in a bar. No joke. What is your opinion of burgers? With occasionallyAlan Partridgeesque results. Here are some of our favorite food jokes. What kind of cheese isnt yours? The person on the other end of the joke could see the punchline coming from a mile away. A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. Wheeee! He stopped at the local church because he heard they had a job available. You hang around, and Ill go ahead. Bless the viewer submissions, we had 0 smash = sex jokes.Follow my Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/hopcatJoin my Discord: https://discord.gg/Pd5aPEkA8ZTwitter:. Data. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to feed himself and his family. What type of brief packs a punch? What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Where does the electric cord go to shop? He noticed 4 walnuts sitti, The only black character is incredibly two-dimensional. Then it dawned on me. Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory? Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Riddles When they finally come to a stop the pilot looks at his co-pilot and says "That was the shortest runway I've ever seen!" Sorry, we dont serve food here.. The dad says: "I fucked your mom!" To which the son replies instantly: "Yeah, well I've been deeper inside her than you'll ever be!" This joke may contain profanity. She writes about astrology, games, love, relationships, and entertainment. Numbers arent sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear. To help you grill this summer, weve collected some funny-ish jokes. I tied it to my bike to take it home, but on the way I realised if i fell off my bike, the bottle would smash. She seemed surprised. What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs? when a man runs up to them, crosses himself, then spreads his arms and closes his eyes. I sold my vacuum the other day. I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners What did the right eye say to the left eye? Enjoy! What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away? The second one says, "I'll have one, too.". The hamburger cracked so many jokes. It waved. I once had a teacher with a lazy eye. We dont serve your type! shouts the barman. One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. Short jokes, bad jokes, and even corny jokes play on words, puns, one-liners,. 5. These hysterically bad ideas that actually worked out well are sure to get you chuckling, too. What should you do when your sim is too small? What does a baby computer call his father? Cattle-logs. He tells them "Boys, I'm so. For more laughs, dont miss these bad puns. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? 100mph through the grass, the fence and they smash through the gates. Hes now a seasoned veteran. Never trust atoms. I know its not a nice thing to do. Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. When do computers overheat? save. Instead of it being funny or predictable, it could be dry, logical, or even dark. I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Wheres my tractor? Need more farm-related jokes? What kind of tree has a hand? Good news: After the wreck, your Audi is finally an innie. I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Doctor, doctor! Oh what a goal! 2023 BDG Media, Inc. All rights reserved. Why did the kid stock up on yeast? New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. 4. Doctor: "Mr. Jones, you may want to sit down. You could read it as "seriously" or as "a joke didn't walk into the . John Motson . After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. RELATED: 100+ Football Jokes That Will Score You A Touchdown With Friends. They have been in the freezer, that's why the brrrr-gurs are so cold. All rights reserved. Two men, one called X and the other called Y, are playing Super Smash Bros. My grief counselor died. short for? Report Save. Why cant you trust duck doctors? Its impossible to put down. When the blood begins to ooze out, you turn them over so the brown side is facing forward. Because they use honeycombs. If athletes get athletes foot, what do elves get? ; Employee development Grow and retain your people with the only personalized solution for effective, continuous development. A salesman had to make a cold call in a city he had never visited. With any luck, you'll see her crack a smile. Why were the fishs grades bad? Which school subject was the witchs favorite? 48. Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer? Nacho cheese. Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake! What do you get when you cross a lemon and a cat? ", He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. Id have thought the UEFA official would have spotted that but perhaps hes been deafened by the noise of this crowd., The World Cup is a truly international event., None of the players are wearing earrings. The more they make me facepalm, the better. Sports A boa constructor. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?. Why did the student eat his homework? Attire. Learn the secrets to telling a great joke, straight from stand-up comedians. Check out some of our favorite science jokes. Local officials are said to be appalled by the wonton destruction. because your bacon makes me giddy! Why cant you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? With a pumpkin patch. When its ajar. What has four wheels and flies? I choose round. Sarah Millican, My wife its difficult to say what she does. 3. My sim keeps gaining weight! If a cars chasing you, youll definitely get tired. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Whats the best way to burn 1,000 calories? The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity! More Jokes Youll Love: McDonalds Jokes, Potato Jokes, Chicken Jokes, Cow Jokes. One looks over at the other and says: Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?. Europe They crack up too easily. You did say I should surprise you, right? Aye matey.. Aw, shucks! A soccer match. Studying Theres nothing better than a juicy burger topped with lots of toppings and sauce. 105 of the best short jokes and one-liners to get you laughing in seconds. With bookworms. Jokes to Message Your Coworker. A cornfield! John Motson announced late last year that hed be retiring at the end of the season, and his commentary for Match of the Day this Sunday will be the last time we hear the broadcasting legend commenting on a game. He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. He was outstanding in his field. Here are our favorite jokes from A to Z. Submit your best joke here and get $25 if Readers Digest runs it. If you receive a picture of some meat in a tin from me at your email address. Conjunctivitis.com thats a site for sore eyes. Tim Vine. What are alternative sayings like "You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat?". Wow, youve got problems. Sense of Humor Fruit flies like a banana. What a goal! Ive got $500 for anyone who can drink ten pints of Guinness in ten minutes or less, Im sure Ill be fine thoughjikshksheijs dhsjsuuwndjc, It makes someone smash the door in and call you a "time-wasting prick. Love animals? 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips I hate Russian dolls so full of themselves! Game Jokes. Go over there and tell him to use a sponge instead.. Privacy Policy. How many other jokes can one make off 'Man walks into a bar?'? Tomb it may concern. Fo drizzle! Plagiarism: Getting into trouble for something you didn't do. Whether its the swift one-liners of Tim Vine or Milton Jones, or a more traditionally structured joke, these quick-fire quips will have your friends rolling around on the floor. Im addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want. My Grandmother's favorite saying was actually a song. Last week's spot jokes are here. By the bark. Hes a catholic converter. Tim Vine. Weve included some of our funniest jokes, songs and quoted below. Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? They've invited some friends, A, B, C and Z, over for a tournament. What did one hat say to the other? Funny Videos in YouTube What do you call an illegally parked frog? Videos During Lockdown I never knew my real ladder. 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip., Its Arsenal 0 Everton 1, and the longer it stays like that the more youve got to fancy Everton., Just look at Keegans face, hes got a look of resignation I dont mean, of course, about his managerial position, but rather about todays game., In a sense its a one-man show except there are two men involved, Hartson and Berkovic, and a third man, the goalkeeper., Whether that was a penalty or not, the referee thought otherwise., Hes got the taste of Wembley in his nostrils., Brazil theyre so good its like they are running around the pitch playing with themselves., Middlesbrough are withdrawing Maccarone the Italian, Nemeth the Slovakian, and Stockdale the right-back., Northern Ireland are ten minutes away from their finest victory. Its not appropriate to make a dad joke if youre not a dad. 9. His co-worker Mike says, "What the hell happened to you, man? 2. Because their capital is Dublin. Why dont they play poker in the jungle? The last thing grandpa said before he kicked the bucket? Why do people say break a leg when you go on stage? What do you call a sim who's bad at golf? Move over, anti-jokes. Im addicted to Twitter! The doctor replies, Sorry, Im not following you.. Eclipse it. What kind of music do planets like? Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. You look flushed. Its not. Make sure to share them with everyone soon! 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley He knew a shortcut. If youre unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends, plus more chemistry jokes. Lean beef. Radford the scorer!, John Motsons final football commentary can be heard on Match of the Day on Sunday (13 May) on BBC1 at 10.30pm, Have your say on the latest TV and film with Screen Babble, the television discussion group on Facebook, 100 of Homer Simpsons greatest quotes Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners How does the moon cut his hair? Noticing the cobwebs in some of the dimly lit corners of the pub, he has a stroke of. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. He was shellfish. What did one toilet say to another? He took out an empty bottle and smashed it onto the wall swearing, "you are the reason I don't have a wife. What did the bartender say to the turkey sandwich when it tried to order a beer? But Im only guessing!, Owen scores and breaks Linekers competitive scoring record. 27. Brain Teaser I asked him, Whats the word on the street?. Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space? What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A man tells his doctor, Help me. It doesnt have atmosphere. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. Apparently he wasn't home because he was off studying with some other friends at their place. One said: Did you hear the. Although, this being a friendly it doesnt actually count, so he hasnt quite done it yet., Ive lost count of how many chances Helsingborg have had. His wife's not home; the past few nights she's returned past midnight with increasingly elaborate alibis. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. 2021 Associated Newspapers Limited. Cars theyre a pain to buy, cost you tons in repairs, and constantly put you in danger. Close. There were three movies, and a couple of short films too. Shulk out fishing: I'M REALLY REELING IT. A carrot. 2021 Associated Newspapers Limited. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma.". Try to say these corny jokes aloud without cracking a smile. What kind of ghost has the best hearing? What did the science book say to the math book? Plus, baristas never, ever get it right. Why dont melons get married? A frog, because it croaks every day. What did the cake say to the fork? Now, its even affecting my driving. I guess you could say things Escaladed quickly. Shulk as a thief: I'M REALLY STEALING IT. How does NASA organise a party? Its nearly impossible! None. January Nelson is a writer, editor, and dreamer. Keep the game going with our Mario jokes, Minecraft jokes, . The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar. No matter how greasy the grill is, you will enjoy them. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldnt find any. Tommy Cooper. Santa was having a terrible day. Gets jalapeo business! Celebration Its busy, and he looks around at the customers. He said Thanks! I said Dont mention it., I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Lets make this interesting. ' Tim Vine. 1forrest1. All rights reserved. He found a nice little bar about a block away, sat down at a table and ordered a drink. He wanted to find Pluto! You must agree with me, right? How far do you think I can kick this bucket. What do Kermit the Frog and Attila the Hun have in common? The other morning he wakes up in his bed, breakfast is waiting next to him, his clothes are neatly folded over the chair. Privacy Policy. I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. Quotes From Famous People Hes never gonna give you Up. 105+ Corny Jokes to Send to Friends. At the time, my son, who was 8 years old, ordered sliders. I thought, thats Abba-riginal. One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment. Beano Jokes Team. 40 of the funniest jokes about Brexit While your burger is cooking, try out these funny burger jokes and stories to keep everyone amused. What do you get if you introduce 7 sims to the grim reaper? Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. They planet. What falls in winter but never gets hurt? Hes been told about it. Only if they have a very frank relationship! Best smash jokes. Because his father was a wafer so long! The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. Bored, he decided to take a walk and find a bar nearby. She couldnt control her pupils. Why couldnt the pony sing himself a lullaby? Looking at my face is like reading in the car. Meghan graduated from Marist College with a Bachelor of Arts in English in 2017; her creative nonfiction piece Anticipation was published in the Spring 2017 issue of Angles literary magazine. Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick. Andrew Lawrence, I bought my friend an elephant for his room. 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults What do you call an ant who fights crime? Cancel its credit card. Shulk fixing a bathtub: I'M REALLY SEALING IT. Master of the one-liner Tim Vine makes a few . 1. What he finds convinces him they could notthe whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. The ones who are always putting the bite on them! The P is silent. He checked into a hotel the night before his presentation. RELATED: The Most Awesome Race Car Toys And Tracks For The Kid Obsessed With Racing. Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants? What goes up and never comes down? What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? He was so good, I don't even. They were below sea level. Posted by. Within a few seconds, they were in a fistfight. If it had four doors it would be called a chicken sedan. ' Tim Vine, Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. Suddenly, at 4 o'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside.
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