Individualists. You have owners. They own all the important land. You know why? Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it's our way of saying thank you. "Pre-existing", "pre-planning", "pre-screening" you know what I tell these people? Its important in life if you dont give a shit. All right, that's enough of that. Believe me, my friend. There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody: 'The Public Sucks. "No." Think about this: think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that. And the supreme arrogance? Sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize: the government does not give a fuck about them. [] I look at war a little bit differently. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. Or "Jesus, Can You Believe It's Christmas Again?" You ever notice that? I recently bought a book of free verse. I dont have pet peeves. 48. Author of the memoir The Young People Who Traverse Dimensions While Wearing Sunglasses. I dont understand why prostitution is illegal. "I just got here, man, you kiddin' me?" Instead, what you do is kick him in the nuts. We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass. George Carlin, 79. I say, Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! You see all, sooner or later. 11. Whens the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? You know why? I call it circling the drain And the circles get smaller and smaller and faster and faster, if you watch the sink empty Huish! I'm big on that. If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. If black boxes survive air crashes why dont they make the whole plane out of that stuff? George Carlin, 55. 40. And now they're coming for your Social Security money. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? I leave that to others. In civilian life you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm. We are on a nice downward glide. God? ", I used to be Irish Catholic; Now I'm an American. Carlin was known for his dark comedy and reflections on politics, religion, psychology, language and taboo subjects. So self-important. Anal rape, quicksand, body lice, evil spirits, gridlock, acid rain, continental drift, labor violence, flash floods, rabies, torture, bad luck, calcium deficiency, falling rocks, cattle stampedes, bank failure, evil neighbors, killer bees, organ rejection, lynching, toxic waste, unstable dynamite, religious fanatics, prickly heat, price fixing, moral decay, hotel fires, loss of face, stink bombs, bubonic plague, neo-Nazis, friction, cereal weevils, failure of will, chain reaction, soil erosion, mail fraud, dry rot, voodoo curse, broken glass, snake bite, parasites, white slavery, public ridicule, faithless friends, random violence, breach of contract, family scandals, charlatans, transverse myelitis, structural defects, race riots, sunspots, rogue elephants, wax buildup, killer frost, jealous coworkers, root canals, metal fatigue, corporal punishment, sneak attacks, peer pressure, vigilantes, birth defects, false advertising, ungrateful children, financial ruin, mildew, loss of privileges, bad drugs, ill-fitting shoes, widespread chaos, Lou Gehrig's disease, stray bullets, runaway trains, chemical spills, locusts, airline food, shipwrecks, prowlers, bathtub accidents, faulty merchandise, terrorism, discrimination, wrongful cremation, carbon deposits, beef tapeworm, taxation without representation, escaped maniacs, sunburn, abandonment, threatening letters, entropy, nine-mile fever, poor workmanship, absentee landlords, solitary confinement, depletion of the ozone layer, unworthiness, intestinal bleeding, defrocked priests, loss of equilibrium, disgruntled employees, global warming, card sharks, poisoned meat, nuclear accidents, broken promises, contamination of the water supply, obscene phone calls, nuclear winter, wayward girls, mutual assured destruction, rampaging moose, the greenhouse effect, cluster headaches, social isolation, Dutch elm disease, the contraction of the universe, paper cuts, eternal damnation, the wrath of God, and. Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. Actually, it's our way of saying, "Bend over just a little bit farther, so we can stick this big advertising dick up your ass a little bit deeper!". Am I missing something? I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. That is a true oxymoron if I've ever heard one . If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse. 44. You never hear them say Jesus made me drop the ball. The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage. According to these guys Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. ' Avoid teams at all cost. I believe the list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. George Carlin Quotes. I do not torture animals, and I do not support the torture of animals, such as that which goes on at rodeos: cowardly men in big hats abusing simple beasts in a fruitless search for manhood. They average over one hundred and fifty acres a piece that's three million plus acres, four thousand, eight hundred and twenty square miles you could build two Rhode Islands and a Delaware for the homeless on the land currently being wasted on this meaningless, mindless, arrogant, elitist, racistthere's another thing; the only blacks you'll find at country clubs are carrying traysand a boring game. We're all fucked. (101), Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. Well, if it's undisputed, what's all the fighting about? 2. The government doesnt care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare, or your safety. Nothing sacred about those things. No nothing. Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. George Carlin, 45. Americans love to eat. Its interested in its own power. What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayer book can come along and fuck up Your Plan? What did Clinton say? People who say they dont care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they dont care what people think. We dont even know how to take care of ourselves; we havent learned how to care for one another. You have owners. Next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager! So they killed a lot of white English people, in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out of the rest of the red Indian people, so they move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. George Carlin. Boy, these conservatives are really something, arent they? Bomb them! And of course, the bombs and the rockets and the bullets are all shaped like dicks. Hope these quotes will give you a different perspective on government and how it works. You don't do all this moron stuff. The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers, but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. George Carlin, 9. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. After that, they dont want to know about you. His parents divorced when he was two months old, and he . Who the fuck is going to invade the US? Why would he give us a certain. (224), Many people work on war plans; not too many work on peace plans. Little kids would be afraid of "the boogieperson". I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. But what's the alternative? Living in this country, you're bound to know, every time you're exposed to advertising, you realize once again that America's leading industry, America's most profitable business is still: the manufacture, packaging, distribution and marketing of bullshit. Everyone's at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. And these people with the fires and the floods and everything, they overbuild, they put nature to the test and they get what's coming to them. No money to be made off of the homeless. But, when it comes to changing the language, I think they [feminists] make some good points, because we do think in language, and so the quality of our thoughts and ideas could only be as good as the quality of our language. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people! They say if you scratch a cynic, you'll find a disappointed idealist. Like the public. My first rule: I dont believe anything the government tells me. Put the blame where it belongs: on the people. ""This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. Theres no present. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. George Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, actor, social critic and author. Sooner or later, the people in this country are gonna realize the government does not give a fuck about them! I have major psychotic fucking hatreds. Are these fucking people kidding me? As for the poor, they tell us theyve lost all incentive because weve given them too much money. George Carlin, 74. 'Cause chickens are decent people. The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. George Carlin, 15. George Carlin - Government doesn't care about you ThreeToedPete 955 subscribers Subscribe 504 35K views 12 years ago Someday the people of this country are gonna realize that the government. You have no choice. The truth is, we don't have people like that. To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesnt need guidance from. George Carlin, 61. I put a dollar in a change machine. And a mindless game, too. War is a whole lot of men standing out on a field waving their pricks at one another. And even if it's something that anyone would really want that much. You don't wait thirty years. You're reading a nice story, and suddenly the writer has to stop and describe the clouds. But once youre born, youre on your own. Ask an addict. It simply does not give a fuck about you! We haven't tried that for a while. They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. Must be another one of those "miracles.". This is my list: guys in their fifties named "Skip." Carlin and his older brother, Pat, were primarily raised by their mother in Manhattan's Morningside Heights neighborhood. 225 different people in the Ronald Reagan administration have either quit, been fired, arrested, indicted or convicted of either breaking the law or violating the ethics code! Well I'll go for a drive, you'll go for a ride. "(pop, pop) Been up all week, man! And of course this country is founded on the double standard. Everybodys going to save something now. And don't you love the way these kind of people pervert the English language? This is an outmoded idea. Doesnt happen. But you ever notice there's no war on homelessness, is there? Some day birth control will come off prescription, and they'll need those cute little catchy names like the patent medicines havesome day birth control pills will have names like, "Preg-Not"! Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it. Not so youd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. Its disgusting, man. They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. "Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails." They just care about having a comfortable place. Let me know in the comments below and please share this post. There's a reason for this, there's a reason education. Now, man"You up for the game?" Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. In the bullshit department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. Guys would say, "Come back here and fight like a person," And we'd all sing "For it's a jolly good person." It sounds fashionable and, to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. Simple thing. The original quote is, "We make ourselves miserable by first closing ourselves off from reality and then collecting this and that in an attempt to make ourselves happy by possessing happiness. George Carlin : It's the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving a problem; it's called declaring a war. George Carlin Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, youre going to have selfish, ignorant leaders. George Carlin, 73. If Darryl Stingley's son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. a few weeks ago, comedy at its best pushes our buttons and challenges our ways of thinking. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. 10. In one semester, in shop class, all the guys went from making zip guns to hash pipes. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. The people are fucked! George Carlin, 80. A dentist with blood in his hair. I took his shoes. 80% of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has. If your kid needs a role model and you aint it, youre both fucked. George Carlin, 32. When a business man sits down to negotiate a deal, the first thing he does is to automatically assume that the other guy is a complete lying prick who's trying to fuck him outta his money. 18. "Yes." Carlin dropped out of high school and was stationed in Barksdale Air Force Base in Bossier City, Louisiana in 1954 . Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. ", In 2001, the official George Carlin website explicitly stated that the list including all of these lines was not the work of Carlin. There are places that are going to go away. Anything differentthat's what they're gonna talk aboutrace, religion, ethnic and national background, jobs, income, education, social status, sexuality, anything they can do to keep us fighting with each other, so that they can keep going to the bank! These people were given. And he's gotta do it with a big. I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, There is no I in team. What you should tell them is, Maybe not. A Boy Scout master who owns a dildo shop. The planet will be here, and well be gone. Were gonna save the fuckin planet? 32. Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. It creates a hostile work environment. George Carlin, 65. But even after the egg is fertilized, it's still six or seven days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins, and not every egg makes it that far. They're privileges. And you might have noticed something else. Deal with it. Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? Are these people kidding? Theyre always people who tell us to live together in harmony and try to love one another: Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. Yeah, the public sucks. Pretty neat deal, huh? It's ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths! But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, "What's happenin'?". Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. We are! Selling is legal. You voted them in. When it comes to Gods existence, Im not an atheist and Im not an agnostic. Like the public. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. Huh? But happiness is not something I have, it is something I myself want to be. I think we need some new Christmas carols with a more modern approach. Heres all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. You might have noticed that I never complain about politicians. That's why we have a drug problem, I feel; it's because everyone has access to drugsit's all those DRUG stores, right? And we wont leave much of a trace. A good motto to live by: Always try not to get killed. Now Darryl Stingley's son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. Heres another question I have: How come when its us, its an abortion, and when its a chicken, its an omelet? Of course, I'm sure the reverend isn't that comfortable with anything that has two knobs on it. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. What a fucking disgrace that place is! Think about it: religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. BREAKING: 100 days . 3. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? Theyre privileges. You have no right to complain. Contents 1 Quotes 1.1 FM & AM (1972) I welcome it. You don't see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? They never mention that part to us, do they? You don't need ten. Pretty neat deal, huh? Nah. Don't you love that phrase? When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. Some people have no idea what theyre doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. George Carlin, 42. -George Carlin If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're f**ked. The difference for me is that conservatives are more interested in property values and rights and free markets, and liberals are more interested in human rights. The House of Blues they ought to call it the House of Lame White Motherfuckers; inauthentic, low frequency, single-digit, lame, white motherfuckers especially these male movie stars who think theyre blues artists. ""Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. They never mention coffee. Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? Two. Some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply. It's interested in it's own power. Every three or four blocks, there's a big sign: "DRUGS", "Open All Night DRUGS", "We Deliver DRUGS", "Cut-rate DRUGS" it's the biggest thing on their sign: "Cosmetics Sundries . Keep em showing up at those jobs. George Carlin, 81. Nitwits, assholes, fuckups, scumbags, jerkoffs, and dipshits. You dont see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? The map is going to change and that's because -- people think nature is outside of them. Carlin got famous for his bit about the words you cant say on television, but his legacy speaks of so much more, wisdom and wit that deserve to live on through the ages.
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